No Seppuku Allowed

Post Date: 9/10/2004 12:12:40 AM
befor i used to enjoy the fact that i was naturally childish. people probably though of me as imature... and although i am, i really didnt care. why? becouse im young. im 18...and in reality, i still am a baby. thats how i justified my imaturity. but i look around, and everyone is growing up. everyone has views and ideas and opinions. im incredibly selfish... ive never really cared about the world or wanted anything to ever be difficult... and if it was then id consider it not worth the trouble. i look at myself, and realize i have no voice. i never give my opinion on things, either cause i dont care or am ignorant about it. who cares what i think, it wont change anything. my ideas dont make sence, my mind works on what i can only describe as spontaneous combustion. one moment i can be attentive, the other im in space. i can be in the middle of preparing a proposal for bristol bay apartments precast pieces, and im thinking of why does water make bumps on my wooden drawing board and what the molecules would look like if i were to see it. i dont have a voice, literally. i dont have that type of strong voice that beccons to be listened to. i hate that, becouse i so rarely decide on sharing... and when i do its wasted. ive never had a real conversation. talk to me about cartoons or about ballons sticking to your hair becouse of static. but tell me your uncle has cancer and ask me how i feel about that. ask me what i would do. what do i say to that?... i feel like many of the things i have i dont deserve em. even if i was a good boy, and was quiet when asked to be, and never asked for too many toys... or never faught with the other kids... i never worked hard in my life. there was a point in which i probably did, and i dropped it becouse it was work. im lazy and unmotivated. thats what my parents say, and now that i see it, everyone else says it too. i could stay in the spot im in forever...sitting in this chair typeing all the bull i can come up with. even if there isnt anything to say about it, or no reason to apologize... becouse you cant. ive set myself to these limitations and when the time comes to push myself, theres nothing of me to use. i havent earned anything in my life, everything comes to me... i hate that, i hate it so much. becouse as i try to grow up im rewarded for doing nothing. i didnt earn my job... i didnt find my girlfriend... i dont know how i graduated high school. and i admit, at times i struggled. my brain can think straight and im having enough trouble making sence in this rant. why i write it. i would never be able to speak this, it belittles and degrades me... the worst part being that this is me. this is who i am. ive never finished anything in my life, and probably never will

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